Between my neat habit of obsessing over upcoming earthquakes, overpopulation, poisoned water supply – or in general, just imagining every possible “Final Destination” scenario no matter where I am (Hello, ferris wheel on Santa Monica Pier – you know what I’m talking about…), in addition to wine & Real Housewives, I’ve found another escape.

WARNING: There may be spoilers in this post!! Turn back now to Fatty’s Banana Bread if you plan to watch this but haven’t already!

Have you been seen it? Not since “Party of Five” have so many calamities befallen an American Family in a GORGEOUS, HUGE, multi-million dollar house.

Party of Five House:

No ghosts/murders/abominations in that house. Nosiree – just car accidents, orphans, pregnancy, drug problems, infidelity, and a neglected toddler.

This house is also gorgeous, expensive, in California, and the site of some…strife.

Infidelity is the least of their problems here and any babies/toddlers here would’ve been better off neglected!

(Incidentally – this house was on the market last year. I’m sure they’re still considering offers…

But I’m not here to explain the premise of the show or help sell the house – I’m here to boast about all the plot twists I called (out loud to G while he tried in vain to hear the show.) **SPOILER ALERT! DO NOT READ ON!**

1. Tate is Constance’s son. When Constance told Vivien about her children she said something to the effect that one of them had been beautiful but that she had “lost him to other things.” I said to G, “Tate is Constance’s son!” to which G replied, ” ———.”

Because he had headphones on and didn’t hear me.

You’re probably saying to yourself, “No s___, Christina, Tate was revealed as Constance’s son in last night’s episode. Tell us something we DON’T know!” You’re 100% correct but I only just found out last night that I was right about that and I’m still pretty excited!

2. Second thing I called: that little toothy monster in the white nightgown was the first owners’ child. This remains to be seen…

3. Third: hmmmm… There’s really only one thing I called correctly and one’s pending. So big deal! It’s only been 4 episodes!

Here are some questions. Wondering if I’m just missing something (whilst talking to G)??

1. Is Tate alive or dead? I think he must be dead because the dead cheerleader from his school said she’d now be 34 years old yet Tate appears to be high school age or at least in his early 20′s.

2. Remember the bitchy girl that Violet & Tate scared the bejeezus out of in the basement? Did she know Tate already? B/c afterwards when she was oh poor-me-ing over what had happened and asked Violet, “What WAS that?” (Good question, by the way…) Violet replied, “That was just Tate with a mask on!” as if she knew Tate as well. If she didn’t know him wouldn’t she have asked, “Who’s Tate, yo?”

3. Why can’t the murder victims leave the house (except on Halloween)?

4. Why does Vivien kick her husband out & choose to stay instead? I realize this is a dumb question. We’ve been asked to suspend our disbelief so many times already I shouldn’t have asked this. All I know is after being tied up & almost cut apart by some Manson-ite copycat murderers, the last place I’d send my husband was out. I’d be in that cookie-cutter studio apartment in Palms faster than you could say “popcorn ceiling.”

5. Whatever happened to the real gay fluffer who was supposed to come stage the house for them? Or is the real estate agent in on this too?

6. What did the nurse/technician see on the Ultrasound that made her faint & how come the PARENTS aren’t as concerned about that as say, I am?

7. What, what, what the HELL is that little creature in the white nightgown in the basement (I know my theory but want to hear yours)? Oh my god – I’m scaring myself at 3:10PM in my house in full sunlight…what’s BEHIND ME??? No worries – just more unpacked boxes from when we cleaned out the garage TWO MONTHS AGO. Anyway, mixing a lack of height with sharp teeth and a frilly white nightgown has always been frightening. My call: that creature is the current state of the original owners’ baby. After the baby was kidnapped, murdered & dismembered, his father was shown trying to sew animal feet onto a piece of his leg. Aggh. Oh. Mama mia. Somebody please explain?